Cleanse Journal Day 4

Yogic principle for the day: the external discipline of SEXUAL INTEGRITY

What does this principle mean to me?
Tantra views every facet of human experience, including sex, as potential for personal transformation and self-actualization. For the Tantric, life is a meditation. Every activity … eating, drinking, breathing, dancing, making love … can be entered into with awareness, bringing a quality of meditation into even these simplest of acts. I’m pretty sure one would have to demonstrate some manner of energetic integrity to achieve a Tantric state. It is my intuition that sex can be experienced at a deeper level, even as a spiritual path, when one tests boundaries ... to experience the world in a more ecstatic and “life enhancing” way. Tantra obscures the normal realm of existence and is said to reveal an exciting path that is all embracing, creative, and loving with a deep feeling of connection with the world and beyond. I’m confident about the transcendental, self-actualization possibilities of Tantra, when practiced holistically, because I have had my moments ... enough to trigger curiosity and desire for more.

Discussing this issue is problematic. Privacy, even secrecy, in this area is imperative to me as I think both intensify the experience, so I counsel and discipline myself to keep many of my thoughts to myself. Also, this subject is a huge, mysterious pool of adventure. I don’t even expect to be necessarily accurate in my perceptions, and it may be obvious, I’m winging this self analysis to begin to untangle my own thoughts and to start to unwind my obsolete conditioning. However, I offer this abbreviated and lightly censored early morning contemplation for your comments:

This principle presented the background theme of my life over the past decade, and in 2008 the theme has boldly asserted itself into the foreground. Characteristically, I have expressed myself in this area at the level of Vata dosha, which includes not emphasizing sex in relationships and consciously experiencing sensuality in an abstract way (through art, the beauty of nature, etc.). In this way a great deal of focus was expended on the depth of intimacy, such as talking and sharing feelings as a foundation for a multi-leveled engagement. This brought me great relationship stability and substance.

The way I see it, my constitution is underfed with enough Pitta-increasing sexual ideals, such as fueling the fire. The result is finicky activation of either the saint or the sinner. It’s either full speed ahead/warp speed drive or I stop on a dime. All or nothing. Extremes.

Perhaps I should add that I also have typically undervalued Kapha-increasing ideals, such as the priority of being a nurturing partner. I could always improve as a partner, we all can, I’m sure; and my husband deserves the best.

Most importantly, I am also discovering and being called to examine themes in my history and character of authenticity, risk, truth, tempo, tone, service versus debauchery.

Because of all of the above, like most human beings, I am somewhat out of balance with my Ayurvedic constitution. I predict I will be doing this discovery work lifelong.

How do I honour it on a daily basis? What could I improve?
It would be beneficial to experience the world sensually, such as enjoying more art, nature, and other mediums that could feed my senses and spirit. Perhaps I could focus on exploring intimacy in ways that allow me to be more nurturing, compassionate and conscious. From the Pitta perspective, perhaps I could feed the flame.

Observations regarding the practice of my assignments:
Day 4 was enjoyable. My body felt great, once again, when I awoke. Zero back-of-the-throat soreness because I skipped the nasal cleanse yesterday.

Sleep record:
I was not so tired Tuesday night and had yet another long, satisfying rest, up to 10 hours. Perhaps I should be sleeping less. I am still considering adjusting sleep patterns.

Additional thoughts or feelings:
I’m getting it. My unique schedule has emerged; I can still tinker with it. Again, negative thoughts and memories did not pester me.